Nothing says Halloween like a trawl through your favourite horror movies. We all know the genre is notorious for that excuse to perv off scantily clad ladies running as fast as their boobs can carry them to avoid being skewered by a psychopath or a demon. How’s that for Freudian? But in the interests of redressing the balance the Screaming Queenz are here to show you it ain’t all about the chicks – sometimes it’s about the dicks too.
Horror has given a queer audience the excuse to let off steam since its inception – whether you’re rooting for the underdog to overcome the odds, whether you’re identifying with the wicked lady who’s bucking the patriarchy and slaying her way through society’s pecking order with fangs or a blade, or if you just want to indulge your fetish for camp melodrama – horror has got your back. It’s also got its fair share of hot men in not many clothes so sit back, spread out and enjoy our run down of horror hotties!
JAMES BROLIN – Amityville Horror
Okay so shirtless Ryan Reynolds set many a popcorn-munching chick’s heart a-flutter when he brandished the axe in the 2005 remake, but if you want a real man look no further than hairy wall of flesh James Brolin. Before he goes mad and tries to massacre his family – well, it can be excused, apart from the fabulous Margot Kidder they’re a tad annoying AND moving house is very stressful – James has a tendency to walk around in a pullover and tighty whities. Coupled with his big hair and beard he’s giving us 70s gay porn daddy realness and I, for one, am happy to take it!
JOHNNY DEPP – A Nightmare On Elm Street
Before he shot to fame as Edward Scissorhands, donned an angora sweater as crossdressing trash genius Ed Wood, then descended into parody as Jack Sparrow, Johnny Depp was setting our loins alight as twink next door Glenn in the original Freddy Krueger outing. Whether he was stifling his hormones listening to his best friends have sex, or lounging about in sweat pants and a crop top whilst perving over Miss Nude America, Glenn was all wide-eyed innocence and pulsating teen horniness wrapped up in one tight bow. He was eventually eaten by his bed. I’m with the bed on this one.
Honorable mention goes to Nick Corri as Rod Lane in the same film. My early years of lusting over men are dominated by the creak of his leather jacket and the sweat on his chest as he flees from daddy John Saxon. More of him later…
ANTHONY PERKINS – Psycho
OK so he has a slightly unhealthy relationship with his mother, and watching women take a shower unleashes something a tad dangerous in him, but he does make an excellent cheese sandwich. Imbuing the demented Norman Bates with vulnerability and making him sympathetic was no mean feat, but surprisingly Anthony Perkins made him absolutely gorgeous at the same time. So he gets a little stabby now and then, we all go a little mad sometimes!
ROBERT RUSLER – A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge
OK so Nightmare 2 is well-known as being one of the gayest horror movies ever made. But you can keep your leather-daddy coach and your camp screaming queen hero – gay boys needed look no further than Robert Rusler as Grady. The classic high school jock, he was not fond of shirts and opted for little shorts and a glistening six pack for the movie’s most crucial moments. There’s even a flash of jockstrap just to tip you over the edge. Look out for Rusler in not very many clothes in the classic Grace Jones flick VAMP too – which earns queer stripes for its Keith Haring body paint and… GRACE FUCKING JONES.
JOHN GAVIN – Psycho
OK we’ve been at the Bates Motel once before. But with clientele like this wouldn’t you come back? Divorced hardware store owner Sam Loomis oozes masculinity, especially when renting hotel rooms by the hour to get down and dirty with Marion Crane. When she promises to ‘lick the stamps’ on his alimony payments you know exactly what she means – and Loomis stood there shirtless is flesh for fantasy that leaves even Janet Leigh in a shadow. When Loomis goes head to head with Norman Bates towards the end of the film it’s a porno-preamble that’s too good to be true…
TREY SONGZ – Texas Chainsaw 3D
Make no mistake about it I was not a fan of this movie, it had every cliché in the book badly rammed down our throats, but whenever Trey Songz was onscreen as Ryan the throat-ramming didn’t seem so bad. Say no more.
JAY HERNANDEZ – Hostel
Eli Roth is hot as fuck. But I maintain he should stay in front of the camera and never get behind it again. Whilst not a fan of his movies – and especially not a fan of Hostel – I do think it’s an interesting view for a queer audience. Boys in peril being one of my favourite subgenres, to see this group of boys who use homophobic language like it’s going out of fashion, subjected to hideous methods of torture is… interesting shall we say. Paxton, the cute-as-a-button asshole who manages to get to the end relatively unscathed, is played by the gorgeous Jay Hernandez. And even though he loses his head in the superior Part 2, he will forever have a place in my dungeon.
DYLAN McDERMOTT – American Horror Story: Murder House
Ryan Murphy’s inconsistent style-over-substance horror series has become a mainstay in pop culture horror TV entertainment. For better or worse, its thinly-stretched plotlines can be forgiven for two things. Fabulously camp leading ladies, and an endless stream of gorgeous manflesh on show. Like it or not, AHS is queering up horror all over TV and for that I’m grateful. Dylan McDermott’s turn as sexually frustrated daddy Ben Harmon kept us hooked from the moment we saw him jerking off whilst flexing those mounds of manbun in episode 1.
And while we’re at it, a honourable mention goes to the stunning Evan Peters who has treated us to his cute tush and tighty whities for most seasons of the show so far…
TRAVIS SCHIFFNER – Jeepers Creepers 2
“Izzy or Izznt he from Jeepers Creepers 2 was a crush before I realised I iz” is the direct quote from our resident filth-bucket Stephen. We’ll skip lightly over the fact that having throbbed through the homoerotic boys-on-a-schoolbus horror Jeepers Creepers 2 we realised the director was a convicted sex offender. There’s no denying the trashy Jeepers Creepers 2 had its place in many a queer heart purely for the male flesh on show. And it was there in abundance. Izzy Bohen was mocked by the rest of the football team who thought he might be a bit gay. We’ve all been there. Not locked on a bus with a sweaty football team who like to have pissing contests, more’s the pity.
TONY TODD – Candyman
OK so I admit my choice here is a little off-the-wall. The baby-stealing, dog-beheading villain the Candyman isn’t the type of guy you’d take home to mother. But he does carry a certain romantic edge in his eyes – full of soul, tears and a longing for love and death. He also likes to eat bees. I know. I’m fighting a losing battle here but fuck y’all. I love me some Tony Todd. The minute he said ‘Be my victim’ I was hooked.
JOHN SAXON – Cannibal Apocalypse
Put genre staple John Saxon in a police uniform and I’m putty in your hands. Put him in a soldier’s rig-out and then strip him for some hairy topless action and I’m even happier. In Cannibal Apocalypse he’s a Vietnam vet grappling with cannibalism but the quintessential daddy of horror has spread his hairy charms all over exploitation and action movies, NOT to mention gialli, oh and he was a hot oil tycoon in Dynasty… OK I could ramble here for a long time about how much I love this man. And what a man. Never too proud to star in a terrible movie (Tunnels, anyone) he also happens to have appeared in two of the genre’s most influential films, on the right side of the law in Black Christmas AND Nightmare on Elm Street. Handsome, butch and a damn fine actor to boot.
All of the Camp Counsellors – SLEEPAWAY CAMP
Er… where do we start? Crop-tops, thrush-inducing short shorts, skinny-dips and Angela’s hot gay dad! Sleepaway Camp gave us queer subversive horror with non-PC jaw-droppers from beginning to end. Essential viewing for more than one reason…
I could go on all day but quite frankly I’ve run out of Kleenex. Who’s your horror hottie of choice? Let us know in the comments, or tweet me at @jonnylarkin. Happy hunky Halloween!